By this time we’ve covered divorce 101, from making the decision to having sex again for the very first time with a new partner. Most of them are shitty and heartbreaking, some are liberating but primarily shitty. Now over 1,5 years after I left my partner of six years, my ex-husband, I realized there are small things we don't talk about when talking about separation.
Things that seem small and not important. Things that other people don’t mention or warn about when they talk about divorce. Things I didn't know will break my heart as much as the death of future plans — death of future plans is the most painful thing in a divorce in my opinion. But hey, they happened and I wasn't prepared for the pain.
Wedding memorabilia
Planned or not planned, after a wedding, you will be left with a bunch of memorabilia. From the wedding dress to leftover wedding invitations, or even the wedding rundown spreadsheet in your wedding folder on your hard disk. I ripped the bandage off when it comes to my wedding dress. Gave it to someone I know who will appreciate an expensive and beautiful dress. What she will do with it, I didn't want to think about it. I just ripped the bandage and give it away without thinking too much about it because, at that time, it would be too painful to think about it and remember the memories.
How about the other wedding stuff? I kept discovering these wedding memorabilia throughout the last 1,5 years and maybe I will keep discovering them in the back of a bag I wore or in an untouched iCloud folder for the next few years. But the first time it happened, when I saw the wedding officiant email in my inbox, I just stared at it for almost an hour, didn't know how or what to feel. I didn't cry. But I didn't feel anything too. I just stared.
What do I do with them now? Nothing. They are still there. Like how I felt about my ex-husband on the day we got married, it will not change and it will not go. They are here to stay and maybe, one day, I will look at them again and remember the joy I felt on that day.
Photos and videos
We were together for six years. That's 2,191 days. We traveled a lot, we had many holidays, we went on adventures, so of course, we took a lot of photos together. I took a lot of photos and videos of him. That time when I put on full face makeup on him, that time when he moonwalked to a Michael Jackson song, that time when he had durian for breakfast, that time when he was so excited about the dinner I prepared, that time when he trained our puppy. I can go on and on about the times I documented and freeze the memory in my phone, but the point is, I have a museum of our failed relationship in my iCloud and that's a painful museum.
I avoided looking at those pictures for the first few months after the separation. I would bawl my eyes out every time I accidentally caught a glimpse of one of those photos. I didn't have the courage to do anything with them. They just sit peacefully on my phone and iCloud. Until one night, I was feeling good about myself and finally have the courage, I browsed through them and decided to start deleting them. Then a question arose, where should I start?
It’s not an easy job, deleting thousands of pictures and videos. And do I want everything wiped clean and leave no trace of the happy days we had? So I closed the iCloud and thought I will think about it later. Until someone said to me that I don't have to delete all those photos and videos. They are like my memories of him and our marriage. They are going to stay and that’s fine.
Now I’m grateful I didn't delete them because a few weeks ago I opened a video of us two and saw how much in love we were. The way we looked at each other, talked to each other, and laughed in that video. We were in love and we were happy. That’s something that would remind me that despite the relationship turning sour and we ending up in a messy divorce, we actually loved each other and loved being with each other.
Without those photos and videos, I would forget about how happy I was. So like the wedding memorabilia, they are staying.
Joint membership
Netflix, Spotify, newsletters, and so many other memberships we signed up for during our time together. Was it an easy thing to let go? Hell no! But I have to. Unlike photos, videos, and wedding memorabilia, I have to let them go. Unlinking his credit card from those memberships, changing the password, and deleting his name and account. The admin things that seemed mundane but only makes the separation feels even more real. Primarily, because I had to do it all quickly at the beginning of the separation when the wound are still fresh.
It felt like removing all his presence from my life. Removing the time we had good laugh watching Kung Fu Panda in our bed or sang along to our favorite 90s tunes. Who would’ve thought admin stuff would be this painful?
Mutual friends
Being in a long-term relationship, no matter how you started with a different circle of friends, you will end up with a bunch of mutual friends. Of course, his friends became mine and my friends became his, and along the way, we made friends together. So when the divorce happened those friends eventually have to pick sides.
It would be easier for those friends who have been in my life before I met him. They don't have to pick sides. They are automatically on my side and comfort me through the divorce and the same thing happen to his long-time friends. But what hurts me here, I loved his friends. They are all amazing people who I actually enjoy spending time with. I would hang out with them without my husband and with the divorce, I lost them. I could say he feels the same thing.
I didn't just lose a partner, I also lost a bunch of people I really like. If there are days when I miss talking to my ex, there are also days when all I want to do is tell his friends about what I did at work or send them an article I found on the internet. Maybe for some people that shouldn't be a problem, but in my case, I can’t talk to them without wondering what my ex told them about me and the divorce. There is a little voice inside me telling me that they might hate me now as much as my ex hates me for leaving him.
One time, a friend told me that she met my ex randomly in an event and my ex was so cold toward her. Didn't say a thing and pretend that he didn't know her. It sounded silly, but also, it's something I totally understand. Fortunately, I have never met any of his friends since the divorce but I’m longing for that day to happen. So I can thank them for being a part of my life as my ex did.
Places
I’m lucky because I moved city after the divorce. So I don't have to deal with the possibility of bumping into my ex in a place we would frequent during our marriage or even avoid going to those places. I could imagine the stress I would have going groceries and seeing him. Little errands that would be too hard to do if we still live in the same city.
But does being in a different city suck less? In a way yes, but not that I’m having a painless experience living away from him. During the marriage, we would go to this city quite often so there are lots of places here that would remind me of him. His favorite food stall, his favorite stores, his favorite road. They all remind me of him and the good time we had. I still considered myself lucky though because I just have to deal with memories here, not the actual person. Or does dealing with the memories worse?
Honestly, I’m curious how it would be if we still live in the same city and I’m also curious how he is navigating his life with memories of me. Does he see me in every corner of the city?
Pet name
This is actually a funny one and I’m also silently laughing inside when I thought of this. Our each other’s pet name is a very common pet name that millions of other people would use. But that pet name has already been embedded in us that calling each other’s different pet names or our own name would be so funny and weird. I thought he will forever be my sayang and I couldn't picture calling any other guy with the same pet name.
But then I dated a guy for the first time after the divorce and I struggled to find a new pet name I could call him. Yes, there are millions of other pet names I could use, and heck, I didn't even have to give him a pet name, but it was just easier to call each other with a pet name. Eventually, this guy started calling me with the same pet name my ex would call me. And it sounded so wrong! It broke my heart t to have this person that I barely know calling me in the same way as my ex did. My ex who I thought would be the person I grow old with, the person who I thought would build a family with me, the person who was and still is a great love in my life. I felt like I disrespected the memories I have with my ex.
But I surrendered, I let my date call me using that pet name and I would use it to him too, but it never rolled easily. I always felt hesitation and, weirdly, anger every time I call him sayang. Nope, it never sits right with me. Thank god, things ended between me and this guy so I don't have to force myself with the whole pet name situation. I could preserve that pet name for my ex.
That got me thinking though if my inability to let go of the pet name mirrors my inability to move on from my ex. And is there rules in recycling a pet name?
Those are the things I feel struggling to navigate after the divorce. Just small things that I would overlook if I hadn't been forced to do it. Small things I didn't think about when I was weighing my decision. Yet, it hurts me in silence.
