Around last week I received the news that my ex-husband is getting married. To a woman I know and met a few times during our marriage.
“How do you feel?” that was the question all my close friends ask me when I told them about the news. To my surprise, I felt at peace, even happy for him, knowing that he is marrying someone who I always thought is a perfect match for him. Okay, I’m not going to lie, but I also felt this pang in my heart knowing that our house will no longer become our house, our dogs will no longer become our dogs, but those have not been ours for a while now, isn't it?
In all honesty, to answer that question, I was still processing my feeling. It wasn't an easy thing to process. This guy was my husband and we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, and now he is replacing me? Only a little over a year after our divorce? How could he? And I’m here taking a dating sabbatical because I want to take the time to mourn the end of the marriage, to mourn the death of our future plans, and grief my loss.
Is it that easy for him to replace me? Especially after he swore to me that he wasn't going to get married again. I believed what he said. I spent every day after the divorce thinking that I wasn't gonna get replaced. That maybe one day, I will hear from him again and he is still the same guy in the same place as I left him. As I write this, I realized my ego played a big part in believing that. I was so sure that I was the love of his life and he could never get over me.
But now, it's clear as sky that he never loved me. He needed me and he thought that it was love. I was like a kitchen appliance he thought he could never live without and once it's broken, it disappointed him, but he just needs to buy a new one to get on with his life as if nothing happened. I am replaceable for him, I am nothing but an object for him.
I always knew that he would see me as an object in his life and this is actually a part of why I left him. But I don't have the heart to acknowledge it. That what we had wasn't love. It breaks my heart, to realize this, but it brought me closure or closer to the final closure, and that’s what I need.
I never regret my decision to leave him and I wake up every morning now feeling grateful for my hard-earned freedom, but there is always a feeling of emptiness inside me from living a life without him. It doesn't hurt, but it doesn't feel right either. Sometimes I feel this guilt about leaving him and maybe that’s what keeps me from moving on. My hope, now that I know he is happy and content with his new wife, building a new life, and making new plans, I will also get to my final closure. My own final closure.
If that emptiness stays, that would be fine, because it’s proof that I actually loved him. That for a time, I felt happy with him. I’m proud that I could love someone that much. So on knowing that he’s moved on, that makes me hopeful. It makes me braver.
