It’s Okay If My Partner Can Never Be Like My Friends and Family

My search for romance has never been an easy feat and this is something very frustrating for someone who sees romance as an important part of their life. On the other side, my relationships with family, friends, co-workers, and other non-romantic people I’ve met in my life have been wonderful. I have no problem wooing those people and they have no problem in falling for my personality, my charm, and basically everything about me. Most of them stay in my life and stay charmed by me until I decide otherwise. I have so much power in choosing the people I let into my life.

I cherish those people I let into my life and they cherish me as much. Each of them is perfect for me and I am perfect for them. I am lucky because my family worships me, they think I’m perfect but they accept my flaws because they love me for who I am. My closest friends think my vivaciousness and forthright nature are alluring, they love being around me because I make them feel alive. They adore my stories about that one time I drunkenly made out with a rockstar in a bar or about those carefree one-night stands in my twenties.

They admire my decision to leave my long-time partner because he was no longer making me happy and they hate him for trying to ruin my confidence. They remind me to slow down and enjoy life as it is, and they make sure I know that there is nothing wrong with being my true self. They warn me to not stress about work because it's just a job. They advise me to stop wasting money on materialistic pieces of stuff and start saving up for my dream trip. Every night I spend with them drinking and chatting, every meal I savor with them, and each car ride with them sitting in the passenger seat have always left me feeling fantastic.

My family and friends make me feel good about myself and they help me to love myself even more. A quality I have never find in a romantic partner. No partner can make me feel the way I feel about my friends or family. I thought this was normal. That a romantic partner is different from your family and friend. With a partner, there must be a desire or the kind of love you won’t find in your friends or family. That might be true if I didn't keep wishing that my partner would be more like my friends or family.

For as long as I can remember, I always wish that I could talk about everything with my partner like I do with my friends. I wish that my partner would always take me to new fancy restaurants like my friends do. I wish my partner would give me career advice like my ex-boss who turns to be my best friend does. I wish my partner would spoil me as my mom has been my whole life. I wish my partner would make jokes like the jokes my brothers have. I wish my partners would always say I’m perfect like what my friends and family always say to me.

I keep searching for perfection in partners based on my friends and family, and when I don't get those, I’m stressing about it. I keep saying “Oh, I wish A is more like you,” or “Why can’t B treat me the way you treat me?” and sometimes I would even say something like “I would date you if you had a dick because you’re perfect for me!”

I think this is the root of my struggle in searching for romance, I can’t enjoy my romantic relationships because I thought desire and connection are enough whilst in truth I want them to fulfill me as much as my friends and family do. When I realize that my romantic partners can’t fill the hole, it frustrates me. What's worse is because I see romantic relationships as a very important aspect of my life, I lost myself in the search and forgot that I am happier when I’m with my friends and family.

This epiphany reminds me that I have been taking my friends and family for granted. I always put them aside and not prioritizing them even when they always make me happy. I know it sounds bad, even when I’m writing this I feel really bad about it. Also, this epiphany reminds me that I have to stop searching for perfection in romantic partners. It’s irrational to think that a partner can be like my friends and family.

Yes, a romantic partner can be my friend and family too, but they will be different from my friends and family who have been in my life for longer than I can remember. Different from my friends and family who have been following my journey through life's ups and downs. They can never be compared to each other and it’s totally fine. I will start seeing a partner, a friend, a family as an individual instead of a whole package, because they are unique in their own way with each of their role in my life.