Opening my heart up stirs up existential fears. The fears I thought had been gone. The fears I thought would no longer affect me but once I open my heart to something or someone, the fears start to creep back in. Why do I fear my own hearts? Especially when it comes from a good intention.
A few afternoons ago I was sitting on a couch, with a bottle of wine, and this guy was sitting on the floor wrapping his arms around my legs. Coldplay’s Fix You was playing from the speaker and I was feeling all the feelings. He’d kissed my knees gently and I caressed his head. At that moment I was ready to open up my heart again for him. Whether it was the alcohol or the oxytocin from the sex we had that influenced what I felt, I was ready and there was no fear.
But now, today, as I’m typing this in, the fears are all over my body. The fear of getting hurt, the fear of getting manipulated, the fear of losing myself, the fear of insecurity, and so many more fears. Where were these fears came from? And what do exactly I fear of?
I’m going to be honest here and admit that my biggest fear is what if he left me. What if I opened up my heart, let him into my life, and he ends up leaving me? My initial response to this fear was to leave him first, but how does it’d do me good? But can I go through heartbreak again? Can I grief a person again? Can I miss a presence again?
All these fears are making me question myself. Why do I have so many fears? Is it my gut feeling or is it my trauma?
I think I still remember each of the times I got my heart broken. From my first breakup in high school and that time when a guy left me cold turkey in the heat of our relationship, to, of course, my recent divorce. Were the fears come from those heartbreaks? Or is it my incapability to validate myself without external attention? My incapability to think that I am enough no matter what. That when someone left me, it is not because I’m not good enough.
My fears won’t go away in just one blog post. Whether it's from my trauma or incapability of anything, the fears will stay with me and it will take time until they vanished, or maybe they will stay with me forever. I think it should be fine if I live with the fears because I’m just a human after all. It should be fine if opening up my heart and feeling feelings seem like a very scary thing for me. My fears are what made me who I am.
I think one thing I should be sure about is that I will be okay. That when someone left me, I will be fine, because it always has. I can’t tell people to stay with me but I can tell myself that I will be fine when it happens. Yes, it will hurt like hell. Yes, I will cry. And yes, I will go back on my feet and mend my broken heart. So it's okay to open my heart and feel feelings. It's okay to love again and get my heart breaks again.
I can embrace the fears I have and face them. Because I’m a braveheart, so come what may.
